In 13 days I will mark a year of missing you. A year of not seeing your smile, not hearing that infectious laugh. A year of waiting for you to come through that door and kissing me and calling me Doll.
Our home is so quiet without you. The things that used to come with such ease are no longer easy.
The easy comfortable-ness of our life has become … un-easy.
I no longer welcome the coming day, I accept it. I no longer look forward to anything really. It’s hard to see a future with he rubble of our plans scattered about.
So when does this “life after you” become easy-er? I suspect after 11 months and 15 days that easy isn’t what any of this is ever going to be.
So … I will take it easy on myself. I will do things as I can. I will do what needs doing until I come to a place where I can once again see a future. A place where I have a goal that is more than getting through the next thing that needs doing.
I do have one plan, today … to get the floral sheers out and take down the drapes that block the light. I have found it way too easy to sit in the dark of this house … I think the light through those pretty sheers will ease me back into the light.
This grief thing … It’s a trick having this as a part of my life now, but not a part of me. It is so strange living with the loss of you. It’s not easy to manage grief some days, but I am finding that on a few days it’s not as cloying, now … sometimes.
You know what I’ve found to ease me? A place called Widow’s Hope … a place where I can connect with other widows who really understand what I’m going through. Women, and men, who are further along in this journey, who have been where I am right now, and they understand from experience. It really is a blessing to have others who are in various places in this journey of life without “you”. And … I am able to support and help the newer widows too. Helping seems to ease some of the pain.
I’m not finding it easy to figure out who I am without you, though.
I don’t know who I am without you. We were so blessed to truly be a couple. To truly live our lives together from our weekly errand dates to being leaders at church. I remember your reaction when we were told we were going to be officially made Elders! I know it was about the gravity of the responsibility of that ministry for God. Well … you didn’t have to bear that responsibility … and Elders is a couple thing, so neither did I.
I miss my other half. They say that half of us goes with you and I can attest that a core part of me is with you, because I feel the emptiness of where that part was, daily.
I was your best friend, your wife, the mother of our children … what’s not easy is feeling that I remain all those versions of myself, while not having you here with me! How do I remain the me that was happy in this life, being your BFF, wife and partner in crime and life, when you are not here?
How do I cultivate who I am, alone?
“How do I ….?” That is a question that is actually a trap for anxiety. With each moment I try to figure it out I can feel the anxiety creeping in.
So … 13 days of impending un-easy. And then what?
I know that things won’t magically change when I mark the 1st. year without you. They say the second year is harder because people expect you to be over it and moving on. They don’t understand there is not getting over it or moving on … there is only forward and we who grieve don’t, typically, have a clear view of where that forward is taking us.
So it’s one day at a time. Take it easy and be kind to yourself because the reality of it is …
Life goes on and I must move forward in this life, without you. So I will tuck you comfortably in my heart on this journey forward. I will remember your easy spirit and try to find my happy in being the me you loved.
It’s not going to be easy … but I’m going to give it to God and He will ease my path.