I’m just getting through the day today.
I’ve awakened each day this month (April ’16) more resistant and angry. Emotionally, mentally, I am angry by the disturbance of wakefulness. I want so much to dream of you, or us. Maybe a discussion. Maybe just a dream of being with you again. But I don’t get to dream of you for some reason.
Yet, waking up is still an issue. Especially in this last month of the first year after losing you. Of all the firsts I’ve endured this past year I’m finding April is the worst … from day 1.
Anxiety is rearing it’s ugly head today.
I look forward and I don’t see anything. I’m heading into a new year soon. Without you. Again … always, from now on. And I freeze.
I really thought it would be easier by now, some how. It’s not.
I’m fighting an invisible battle. I smile and put on a mask so I don’t make others uncomfortable. And they prefer to believe I’m okay and getting on with it.
I’m not okay.
I’m not getting on with it … life.
I’m just getting through the day today … day by day.
I’m just getting through the day so I can go back to sleep.
I miss you. Maybe tonight I’ll dream a happy dream of you. I pray.