It’s just short of a month since you’ve gone home to be with Father God.
Oh how I miss you. I look at your pictures and search for you there. While your eyes of sparkling blue gaze directly at me, seemingly with intent, I cannot find you there.
I carried this picture with me for days, until they needed it for your services and now it sits atop the bookcase where I can see you with a glance.
I’m so grateful to have this picture, and all the other “unauthorized” and clandestinely taken photos that I took of you over the years, even if I cannot find you in them.
I am so grateful for each and every photo. Especially the one(s) we had taken two weeks before you went home. I know how much you hated having your picture taken and I honestly know what it took for you to have these taken professionally! What a loving act the whole picture taking trip was for you.
My goodness how you love me! Giving me anything I wanted, if at all possible. So good to me. Yet I’d give it all back just to have you here with me. I know you know that my love for you was never about the things you gave me … rather it was about the love and honesty you extended to me, always.
Today I am so aware that you will have been gone a month in just 3 days. The days are flying and there is not fun involved. So much for that cliche … time just flies, nothing attached. It just goes, unstopped by life or death.
I am so raw-ly aware of the emptiness of the house and the minutes. Our lives were so full of life and love – right now my life is just passing and empty. Just a raw and emotional existence.
I long to hear your voice, your laugh. I desperately miss your laugh and the fun we had, just you and me, anywhere and always. We always had fun, we always enjoyed life and each other, even on the worst of days.
Nothing is fun without you.
Oh! And the tears! You know how I loath crying! The tears just come now and sometimes I don’t realize it until I feel the cold wetness on my cheeks. It’s crazy. They just flow out of nowhere, like today during lunch, I took a bite of my chicken sandwich and just started crying! You hated chicken and I don’t know why I started but I know why I cry … the empty makes me cry.
The tears just come out of nowhere, anytime they want.
You said I’d be alright, that remains to be seen. I’ve given myself six months, to start, before I do anything major, like become a nun! Haha. I had to slow down, I was looking for answers and solutions in what comes after your husband dies and I was making myself crazy. There are no earthly answers or solutions, after all. Only God knows why He called you home.
Honestly I am so very unhappy without you. If I allow myself to feel anything it just hurts to my very core. I now know that one’s spirit can ache.
I still don’t know what life is without you. I can honestly say, right now, that I don’t see anything worth being without you. I don’t know who I am without you, except alone and unhappy and without you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know, anymore, what God wants of me. I just don’t know.
And with that My Love I guess this letter is done.
With tears stains on the written version of this … I love you to eternity ❤